iced lemon tea

I purposedly did not call my father today. Neither did i gave anything as a gift. He might be expecting that i would do surprises just what i did to my mom a month ago, but i did not. I think  it’s more suprising than preparing something for him. He’ll spend time what am thinking about him. He’ll think of me. He might ask why. And by making him think that i did not remember him, he’ll have enough time thinking of me, and i’ll have his time.

When asked whose the best man you knew who ever lived, i can’t think of anyone other than my father. He’s living a very ideal life, not that he’s good in every aspect. During his teenage life, he was involved in a lot of trouble causing him to jump from place to place… basketball lng ata bumubuhay sa kanila ng barkada niya nun. He go high school but employed himself as a janitor para may pambayad sa school, he even pay for one of his friend’s tuition fee. He make himself go to college at night while worked as a bus driver at day, at the same time supporting a younger sis whose into college also. He wasn’t able to finish.  He stood as the eldest when he is the third, on 11 of them. Losing a father at the age of 3, he stood as a bread winner at an early age, starting from selling pandesal to fishing. He leave a trail of strong and consistent image i always dream to have. The more i discover of him the more i see how weak i am… the more i say to myself that am too far to please him… much farther to be even just like him. 

Minsan, nahalungkat ko gamit ng lola ko. Maliban sa mga pic ng girls na may dedication for him, i found some of old test papers that belongs to him. 1960’s i think. 98/100… is the average. My high school exams has an average of only around 70. My grandma told me then that my father used to be the checker of class exams because of his scores. Ohh, i never received an honor like that. Being a working stud, no books, and being self-supporting that is, i  don’t think i can i survive with it.

No one can attack his principles. He will stood with it, no matter what. He is on his 50’s pero nakipagsuntukan pa sa work. He wasn’t dismissed. He can defend himself. At one time, the company lost millions for an equipment burnt under his care. He fight for his right and even turned the blame to the company. He wasn’t terminated nor suspended… not even a letter of reprimand goes into his 201 file. His manager asked him to accept a three-day suspension else the manager  will carry the blame, but he did not. He reasoned out that it’s the only record he can be proud of, if one of his children would happen to work in the company and might accidentally browse his files, he’ll be proud he have an untainted 201 file in the more than 20 years stint he spent with the company.

When he’s a President of the worker’s union, i can overheared someone fetching him at the middle of the night from our home. Later, he told me that someone is trying to bribe him then. And as expected, they did not succeed. He said, he can’t bear the thought of providing us from a corrupt produce. He even gave a lecture to the lawyer who act as an agent of the management, that what is being offered can’t match the shame it will mark on him as a person. And that his family up to his grand children will live in shame because of that instance if ever he will accept that one. Whew, can i ever live that up?

As a father, he is strict. i never ever remember he said yes whenever i would ask his permission, not until i graduated college and began earning myself. He is quick and stable in all decisions he make. Haneepp baga! I’m always afraid of him. At one time during my grade school, i was burning with fever that he grabbed my weak body, running me to the hospital. That’s when i found how gentle he is. Whenever i want to sip a glass of water, he would support my back and hold me tight. My father.. o, my father. how can i let you know how i appreciate the things you’ve done?

Now am this old. He’s the greatest fan i have. He never get tired of bragging to people that he have me here. Even if the CEO of their company would stopped along the road and greet him, he’ll find ways to insert me in the topic, that is down to the general manager, dept head and even among his peers. And lately,  he went to the company physician, not that he is sick but that he asks a prescription of what is a good vitamins for me to take.

One time, I confidently told him my salary range, and he blew my top by bragging it to his friends the next day. whew! - i am not mad, neither am pleased. But am glad i make him happy. He looks at me as an extension of himself, the fulfillment of his dreams, the one he think he will be if he’s been given an oppurtunity. But in a lot of instances that am not. Education-wise and integrity-wise i can never be what he ever dreamed of me.

For now  am confident though, that i told him already how thankful i am having him around… sometimes but rarely, in words. Papang, you never gave me enough reason to be disappointed any of the life’s lesson you’ve taught.

..so goes the question. it rings in my thoughts… even in my sleep.

For a hundred times, i gaze on this picture. Searching for a reason how could this people not good enough for me?

This is the only group that i never feel the distance all the time. I missed my family, i missed my church mates, i missed my previous officemates, i missed my graduate group, i missed my brother,  missed my barkadas..  Missed a lot of people because i can’t see them the way i used to. I can’t talk to them the way i used to. I can’t be with them just like before. This group has always been within my reach. I can always cry for a rescue and they’ll be around.

Hindi napapanis laway ko  dahil sa tawag ni always, di nawawala ang pangungumusta ni ate linsi sa kalagayan ko… I can think of migy’s passion in prayer and asks him to pray for me and si doll naman kahit nasa kalagitnaan ng RO ay  pwedeng-pwede na kulitin sa YM.

These are the people I usually expect and hope to meet whenever am online. And who could say that I am most nearer to anyone than these guys? (being this far and alone) Their blogs, posts, pics, testimonies, kulitan, at asaran sa isa’t-isa (lagi kong pansin si migy at lica :D) really brightens up my day.

No, guys. No one, or group of people, can ever be a good company than yours in the web. More than 60% of my online time sa net, for the last 4 years has been spent in RF, where i begin to know each of you. Offline am thinking of you, am literally concerned of how I could be a friend and a brother to you – in the truest sense of the word - not in words.

I pray God will help me out to prove to myself and to you that am indeed a friend - - good  enough.

sana… sana.

c",)

My attitude towards my family, inner friends, church friends, school friends, office friends, virtual friends has always been the same(it may not be consistent though).My objective ever since is to be an agent of change. Most of the time, taking the risk which you don’t know if worth of the change you desire or not. But you feel safe knowing that what you’re doing is for their good, and that you’ve planted a seed of consciousness between what is ideal and real.

That makes them choose how to be in quest for the ideal while remains real. I expect the same for the attitude towards me. I want to grow..  i want to know more… the more i see things, the more i can say that i am unlearned. The more i hear people’s view of life, the more i see diversity, and the more the diversity there is, the more far you are from being united… that means, the more far you are from being mature.

The cycle i’ve encountered with friends since am in grade school, doesn’t change. That is, friends-tampo-friends-tampo-friends more-tampo more- and so on…the longer the tampo, the deeper the relationship is, after it was restored. It is not often the case, i still lost some. But i bring with me a smile knowing i’ve planted a seed of change. To me, it doesn’t matter how long it will take for a friend to realize, 50 years is ok with me. Anyway, real, precious things do not diminish in value over time.

My family most probably are the most deprived people of my affection-at-show, but remain the group that has it most. I rarely smile at home… Not until i’ve worked and noticed that am that cold to them.

I severed my tie with my college’s best pal because i believe then that i can’t help him to be a better him. For me, it is better to let go than remain useless. Got 7 of them, and i have experienced breaking to at least 5 of them. If i can’t serve my purpose, am good as dead, -alang kwentang kaibigan. I’ve got a few jonathans and davids in my life (discounting the Timothys). And to them, i’ve experienced the bests of what there is in friendship. It was during my college days that am at my peak of defining what really the word friend means. With this 5 distinct individuals, truly unique and different people, i was able to define friendship at the most comfortable point. 

The first one was quite teachable at first… quite inquisitive and humble. For me, it’s the point where he grew fast in the Lord, that’s when he is so receptive of instruction, open to rebuke and submissive to the Word. It did not last that long, probably he thought he did grow already and is equipped. He then chooses to be on his own. For me, he wants to prove something and so i let him go his way. I believe he proved what he believes. He became a leader himself and probably successful. For a year that i’ve prayed with him, discussed precious truths with him- i can say that i’ve done my part. And am grateful to where he is now.

The second one is quite stubborn; He is the kind of a person that has a boastful image. He want to pretend most of the time what he is not. People don’t like him most of the time. Truly, when you start lying to yourself and pretend to be something you are not; expect no people to like you. But for me, it is an opportunity to be an agent of change. I want to see change and prove to the world that he can change and is not what they thought he is. Whew, time with him was kinda tough.. you have endure everything. i stood by him. Have witnessed him cried, In his failures, i grabbed to opportunity to lift him up, and let him see things differently. five years after, am still doing the same thing. I told him he is not learning. But then he insists he can prove it to himself. He is still the same him. He never ceases to say thanks now that he is married and seems enjoying his life. He knows there is no reason within his reach to say i’ve been not a friend to him.

The third one is quite jealous of attention. He is smart and excel well at school. He wants always to be the best. He likes to be at the limelight all the time. And he spares no one, not even me hehehe. He wants my father to be his father, my friends to be his… He doesn’t want to be left behind. And in all of those, i let him. For me, if what he desire will help him make more see of himself, so be it. Else, am not serving my purpose to be an agent of change. He is too proud of me though, even wanting me to watch him over in the hospital and told his family to go home. I’ve witnessed his extremes and knew him far better than he think. I haven’t witnessed all the changes i desired for him, but have seen however the most essential one. These people don’t know that every single word i say to them, and every action towards them meant to do a lot to them. At one time, i told him these, he laughed… he do not know. But then, maybe in the future he will realize that whenever i talk to him about things such as family and friends, am indirectly teaching him to learn from it. He loves telling me his accomplishments. He’s so proud of it. And am glad to myself he learned it. He asked me once, if am really teaching him that much as he did not hear me discussed it to him obviously. Well, my style varies. And i believe you’ll value what you learn when you learn it yourself. That’s true wisdom. I caught his ear one night, telling him how valuable time is. I told him there might not be enough time for me to let my parents appreciate what i can do to them since they’re getting older. And that i can feel satisfaction only if i’ve given my best to them. Hahaha, that was a subtle talk. He is in awe. He thinks it just one of the many night talks we’ve shared, but then he send money home the following day and have his mom’s kitchen fixed, things he seldom or never did. I can write volumes of book about these subtle things i’ve contributed to the life of my friends, and surely they can’t remember most of it… but to know that they’ve realized it themselves is enough for me.

The fourth one is hyper-protective of me then. He has his own circle of friends. He seldom goes out with me. He enjoys the world. He prefers to be with the world. But when things goes wrong (and usually it does), he finds comfort in the Lord with me. I was more of a pet-dog than a person, because he is fond of giving things to me and reminds me that am the best friend he ever had but we’d never been together except for hi’s and hello’s. i remember one time sitting with him at the rooftop coz he’s crying as he was turned down by the girl he loves. He is fond of checking me if i’ve taken my meal or am ok. But we’ve never engaged ourselves in a long talk. I remember he made a bracelet made of copper wire as a friendship bond. I lost mine, so he broke his… he is so mad that he did cried that time, reminding me how significant that was to him… hahahaha.. When i remember those days, i can’t help but appreciate those people. Probably what he learned from me is only how it is to be consistent as a christian. He struggled well, i know. i am not that strong, but in people’s weakness, i usually find strength. I remember how many times he tried to explain when he came to the dorm drunk… I do not say a word, neither have I asked for explanations. I do not question them, but then they know that they’re on a improper state. They realize it themselves. i’m only instrumental of that realization, but am glad i served my purpose.

The fifth one is the toughest. He does not care what people may think of him, and therefore hard to convince that somehow, you have to live in accordance to what is that expected of you. He doesn’t appreciate people’s effort then. If he doesn’t like you, he’ll show it straightly. At one instance he was bought with a new pair of slippers, 80km from their place by his auntie. I can see the excitement of his auntie then. I was there but he throws it out saying he doesn’t like it. Wow, that was a real tough attitude to confront. I could have hit him then. I’ve accepted it as a challenge though. i want to witness the change myself. He relies on his uncle to fix his room at the dorm, to wash his laundry. He doesn’t even know how to cook anything… as in anything. It takes years before i’ve noticed the significant one. Now am happy and find him stable to where he is. It gladdens my heart that he cherished the friendship i’ve shared with him. He even assured to assist me in the future to help me out. It may come true or not, i’m satisfied i’ve done my part.

These are the people that won’t trust your word if you tell them they’re not your friends. You may hate them for all your worth, and yet you’ll find them still standing right beside you. These are the people now that i can get angry or scold to the max without fear of being misunderstood. They are the odd people i often associate myself with. i like associating myself with unpopular people. Co’z when you win their trust, they will realize you wish them no ill. They love you because they can trust you. But hey, i’ve got popular friends too… but then i leave them on their own, they don’t need me.

It was not a 100% change or 180 degree turn. That’s them. But somehow, they improved. Possibly i failed, am not into manipulating people’s lives. i want to be an aid though, of their changes. I want them to see things themselves, not because i make them to, but maybe i’ve helped them to. It wasn’t made for a day, but years… probably continuous to some. For as long as i believe i have something to offer, i’ll stay. Else, i will let go.

Got tens more of the like people i’ve engaged my life with. And my principle remains the same. Sticking to what is right. If you aren’t but is readily honest to talk about it,  i will listen. But if you’ll insist yours, then have it your way. I trust peoples convictions anyway, and i believe that if they insist on something, they have reasons why and can prove it in due time.

Friendship is not because of what you received or will receive; rather it is the value of what you gave or can give.

Such a common phrase… probably abused or simply misunderstood.  We always desire to be on top of everything. We like to be in command. We want to be acknowledged of our accomplishments… when most of the time it is not us but other people accomplished it for us. Yet in all of the glory we desire, we often neglect the weight of responsibility that comes with it. The responsibility we have for the actions taken… and the people who did the act itself.

More often, we stood with them at the most honored season and left them alone in the cold beatings of shame. We enjoyed their services but failed to render to them the service they deserve. Only few leaders took notice of these and take proper action to correct and bring things back to balance.

Leaders ought to, as the name implies, lead. That is, they must be at the forefront of the battle. In the field, they must be experts themselves first. Only this kind of leaders deserves respect and loyalty. To this kind of leader alone i swear allegiance and support. I’ve been reporting to too many supposed leaders before and been one, myself, for some time. I acknowledge i wasn’t consistent as i should be, and though the desire is there, that doesn’t justify a leader’s failure to lead.

Out of more than 8, only 3 tamed me on my previous job. At present I’ve got only 1. And it’s not because they do the things I’ve done, (though it contributes) but because you can sense the importance of the role you play for him. That means you are important.  Your problem is his. Eighty percent of your performance was motivated by him. It’s not that you are unmotivated; rather your potentials were just being stretched to limit. No, it is not an abuse… you can’t think of that. The leader becomes more of a mentor to you, instead of an autocrat.

Only when one acknowledges full responsibility and the gravest risk of his position can he be called a true leader.